"There is a voice inside us who speaks down to us and is disempowering. Don't listen!" Ghislaine Mahler - Author "Mastering Your Inner World"
I call that voice the inner-critic voice. I have named my inner-critic Fred, so I can actually converse with that critical part of myself and put "him" where it belongs - not in charge of my life!
We all have an inner-critic. Some of us have developed enough self-confidence in life to be able to keep our inner-critic under control. In some cases, we learn to transform it into an inner-ally. How do we create this transformation? The inner-critic becomes the inner-critique, our ally. He reminds us to make certain we are doing our best, becoming a mechanism connected to a value of excellence.
My professional coaching experience has shown me, over the years, that many of us let our inner-critic control our lives in quite a powerful way. An added challenge is that many of us don't even have any awareness of the critic's presence. We just think it is who we are! So, what is the inner-critic, really?
It is a voice inside us who speaks down to us and is disempowering. This voice may start small, discouraging us from taking even the smallest steps toward change or improvement in our lives. However, if we leave this voice unchallenged, it grows to dominate us and our lives. For those of us who are in recovery, we used to call this the voice of the disease. It is that, I agree, and it is much more. Even people who are not challenged by the disease of addiction, have the voice of the inner-critic. Therefore, I must say that the critical voice is not the voice of the disease, but just that addiction is one of the things the inner-critic chooses to keep us small in our lives. I may even take the risk, here, to face quite a reaction from some of you, in recovery, by saying that addiction was simply an act of avoidance of the inner-critic voice! This, my friends, is the truth as I see it.
So we have work to do, as does everyone else who is a human being: we must face our inner demons and transform them into allies. If you meet someone in the street who starts yelling at you and tells you how stupid, incapable and no-good you are, I hope you have the guts to refute what they say! The work at hand is then for you to realize that the inner-critic is often yelling in that fashion, and not only do you not "realize" that this is going on, but you think it is true and you follow that voice.
Coaching question: The first step is to become aware of your inner-dialogue. Once you catch yourself listening to your inner-critic, turn around in your mind and face that part of yourself. I'll say: "Fred, all you want is put me down and I am not going to listen to you anymore!" This may sound ridiculous to you but I assure you it is not! I challenge you to do that mental work and you will experience dramatic results in your life. I recommend giving a name to your inner-critic so it will become easier for you to distinguish yourself from "him" or "her."
Know that YOU are much stronger than your inner-critic, although he may be quite stubborn. It will take some persistence on your part, but I guarantee that you will succeed, and before you know it you will be able to step into your personal power in ways you thought impossible before.
One of the key elements of living beyond recovery is to achieve more success in our life. Whether you focus on your career, your finances, your relationships, or other areas, does not matter. The bottom line is that in order to increase success you must change your self-image.
Let's face it, out there we had either a very poor self-image or none at all. I remember feeling very insecure. The sense I had of myself was that of a "fraud," a "mistake," someone who didn't belong and didn't have the right to even breathe! Once in recovery, I walked down a slow path of "repair" to heal all my emotional and physical wounds. A couple of days ago, I had my 22nd birthday/anniversary of sobriety. I was walking my dog that morning, thinking how proud I was of myself for that. Yes, it's all been one-day-at-a-time, but I am the one who achieved that. Twenty-two years!! That calls for BIG celebration of my spirit, for a prayer of huge gratitude and joy!
Humility is a good thing when it is felt and expressed in a healthy way. When it is used to keep yourself feeling small and inadequate, it is unhealthy and self-destructive. So we step into a new realm, that of success. We must recognize and acknowledge all our successes, the small ones as well as the big ones. Are you the kind of person who says "Oh, that was nothing" when someone compliments you on one of your successes? I used to do that. A couple of years ago, I did a very courageous thing at a transformational seminar. Most people around me were terrified to do what we were required. I was a bit nervous but I knew that I would succeed because I wasn't giving myself the option to fail. Once done, the facilitator asked for a show of hands of people who thought it wasn't a big deal. I raised my hand. He said "if you can't celebrate your successes, you are in big trouble!" I realized how right on he was. I was in the habit of doing great things but, I was letting my past circumstances dictate my current self-image. Result? Perpetrating that poor self-image, thus creating poor results.
I made a change in my life that day - I stepped into a new self-image. I came to accept seeing myself as a highly successful person, someone who succeeds in everything I do. Wow, how profound that was and still is today. My life hasn't been the same since. Every day I spend a few minutes stretching and improving my self image in the direction and areas of my life, to create the changes I want.
Coaching Question: How is your self image today? Is it in need of some "remodeling?" Are you still hanging on to the old sense of yourself, maybe one of failure? Are you still allowing your mind to tell you you're not good enough and that success is for others, or that it's bad? This week, start a success journal. Spend a few minutes every night to write down at least five successes. Watch your mind as you write down your list - is it minimizing what you've done? Small achievements are as important as the big ones! You don't have to be superman or superwoman to have a healthy and successful self-image. It is time for a change. Celebrate YOU!
"Most folks are about as happy as
they make up their minds to be." - Abraham Lincoln
Happiness is a big topic these days. Even national television is starting to bring it up in their newscasts. How cool is that? Of course the danger of that is that all the people who aren’t into it will choose this opportunity to complain about it. Oh well, too bad for them. But, that’s exactly the point, isn’t’ it?
To be happy isn’t something that happens by magic, like one day we wake up and poof! There it is, we are happy. Being happy is a decision we make, it is a commitment to ourselves. It is an attitude we choose, to love ourselves enough to hold that feeling of contentment and happiness tenderly, sacredly in our hearts, no matter what, regardless of what our environment brings us. Easier said than done, of course. Is it worth the effort? Definitely.
We sometimes let our thinking go into the “when I have this or that, or when I make that much money, then I’ll be happy. The truth is that this kind of thinking doesn’t work. Why? Two reasons come to my mind immediately: 1. Being happy doesn’t depend on our outside circumstances, it’s all about our inner experience. 2. Always putting happiness into the future keeps attracting “I’ll be happy when …” feelings, so we just never get there.
You don’t like your circumstances? Then make all the changes you need. Take full responsibility for your life and your happiness. If you need help to make these changes, then get it. Can’t make any changes right now? Well, it’s even more of a reason to choose the attitude of happiness now; acceptance will be the key for you. Being unhappy about something you can’t change is a trap to be unloving to yourself. So choose to be happy, keeping in mind that as soon as you can make a change in your circumstances, you will.
Coaching Question: How happy do I choose to be today and what can I do to improve on that? This week, I want to encourage you to focus on all the good in your life and the happiness that it brings to your heart. The more you do that, the faster all the things that aren’t so great in your life will start shifting to match what you feel and the energy you project. Not sure this is true? Well, give it a chance and watch the miracles start happening in your life!
Resources, tools, and discussion for men and women in recovery from addictions, wanting to expand their personal, professional, and/or business growth.
